I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
