I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
