The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
