The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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