does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
