Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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