i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Your cock deserves a montage
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well I just put wine in my tea
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
