Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
