I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
