Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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