Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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