It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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