i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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