mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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