Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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