look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
