I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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