Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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