And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I am naked and annoyed.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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