cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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