There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
