hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
