just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
