my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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