You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
