i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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