alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
