I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
