he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
