you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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