I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
