I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
