Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
