90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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