if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
