don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
