At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
