everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
