I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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