Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
