someone threw a dead crab at me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
