just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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