my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
