i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Randomize
