Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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