On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just sent this text using only my big toe
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
