Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
honey bunches of taint.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
