I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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