So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
