So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
