the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
