I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
