Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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