I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
